


Sex and the Single Stark

by Dillian



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: 1970's, AU sort of, Crack, Disco, Drinking, F/M, Lots of Sex, M/M, Multi, Sex, fern bars, perversion of various kinds, wanton canon-mangling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 06:35:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2057622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is crackish in the extreme, and it mingles movie and comics canon in a way that doesn't show any respect for either.  Basically it is the story of Anthony Stark, super-hero extraordinaire of the 1970's, and how he meets and has sex with everyone else that is going to be in the 2012 Avengers movie.  I am using a leetle bit of comics canon here, a leetle bit of characterization from the movie.  But mostly, I just watched too many old 70's TV shows on Netflix, and I wanted to write fern bars and promiscuity, so I took Tony and I wrote it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue, and Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces our hero, then gives him a very nice guy (with a ragey green alter ago) to play with.

“Jo would you love to scrapple  
She'll never say no.  
Shine up the battle apple  
We'll shake 'em all down tonight,  
We're gonna mix in the street.  
Strike at the stroke of midnight  
Dance on the bones till the girls say when  
Pick up what's left by daylight  
When Josie comes home.

When Josie comes home  
So bad  
She's the best friend we ever had  
She's the raw flame  
The live wire  
She preys like a Roman  
With her eyes on fire.”  
\-- “Josie”, Steely Dan

 

**_The Avengers_ , _Thor_ , and _Iron Man_ , and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

Anthony Edward Stark, playboy by day, superhero by night. Anthony Stark, who is as famous for his …ah, _appetites_ , as he is for the fabulous company, once the source of all the best technology our American forces took into the field, now devoted only to betterment and world peace. Anthony Stark… Maybe you know of him?

Anthony Stark… You’re probably picturing him in his modern depiction, but that’s the thing with super-heroes (and super- _lovers_ ) is that they always had a life before. Allow me to take you into Tony’s life before:

First, get rid of the neatly-trimmed beard and mustache. Get rid of the casually tousled hair. And, the glasses? Those glasses he wears so adorably, but only some of the time? Lose those as well. Picture him with longer hair and a disco-mustache. Picture a suit, bright-colored as though he just can’t wait to go discoing until dawn… (FYI, he probably can’t.) I’m not even going to talk about what the suit looked like back then, and you’d better not Google to look either. That would seriously spoil this story.

…Okay, you got all that? Good, good. Now forget it all, because underneath the hair and the so-awful 70’s disco-threads, this is still the same Tony. This Tony wants love, but he is always ready to settle for a night or two of hot action… Or three. Or four. …He is always ready, I say, to settle, on his way to finding it.

And don’t worry, you don’t need to know a lot of comic book canon to appreciate this story. And if you do know it, you’d probably better forget that too, because I’m fudging the hell out of it here. This is just a simple, straightforward story about an action hero, getting some action. It features our friend, Tony E. Stark and it features some other people, most of whom you know. Here’s hoping I don’t manage to bore you too much.

**Bruce Likes it Plain Vanilla**

To begin with, Bruce likes it plain vanilla. Bruce, you understand, whom Tony only knows through his alter ego at this point, not to mention he mostly knows him as an adversary. One time he teamed up with Hulk and the Defenders to take down… Oh, who was it again? …It was somebody. They took down somebody bad. That wasn’t until after they’d spent quite a long time fighting each other first, all the Avengers, versus all the Defenders, who were sort of your cranky, grumpier team of Marvel good-guys. They fought each other, courtesy of Loki who had _lied_ to them, that being his nature. And, as it turned out with the match-up, Hulk fought Thor. They fought each other to a standstill (but Cap and Tony and the others showed up before they could also destroy New York).

…Bruce, you see, who is just a guy with dark curls and a cute smile as far as Tony knows, when he walks into the singles bar one bored-and-lonely evening. Bruce, who gets lonely. That whole uncontrollable green rage-monster thing can get in the way a little, when a guy’s trying to find love, and so he’s taken to cruising the singles bars.

Call if a Fern Bar. That’s the proper 70’s term. This bar has lots of ferns. It has music by Abba, and a long list of sugary, creamy, booze-laden drinks, all of which the bartender will happily make for you. It also has a good lineup of desperate people. They crowd all the booths, and fill all the barstools. The thing is, see, you’re supposed to drink a lot of those sugary drinks, that’s to keep you from seeing them too clearly, and then gradually you’re going to get comfortable enough to go home with one of them.

Bruce has done that in the past. He’s done that, when he’s been able to get to New York (which isn’t often, what with him having to evade SHIELD a lot of the time, and evade the army, the rest of the time). In between times, oh, he’ll be holing up with Dr. Strange, maybe he’ll be out busting heads in his inimitable, Hulkish manner. Tonight, he’s here though. And he is really, really _lonely_. And he shows up at this Fern Bar. It’s called Harvey Wallbanger’s, or maybe it’s called B.J. Blowsalot, or some such hyper70’s-era name like that. Bruce gets a sweet drink (Hulk likes those). He gets a Pina Colada, if you must have all the details. Hulk has occasionally asked for those himself, he likes them so much, albeit the bartender’s never served him one, and after that he usually ends up smashing the bar in frustration.

Bruce orders a Pina Colada. He drinks it, then he orders another one. He leans back against the bar and surveys the place, but so far he doesn’t see anyone attractive. (This is because he hasn’t had enough Pina Coladas yet.)

Suddenly in walks someone whose high-powered suit is equaled only by his high-powered sexual magnetism. This is Anthony Edward Stark. Bruce knows him, so does his alter ego. Hulk doesn’t like him. He thinks he is too close to the military establishment, even after divesting Stark Enterprises out of the weapons biz. And what does Bruce think? Oh, he thinks here is a ten, and he’s got no chance with him, because he’s only a five. Bruce always has to drink quite a lot of Pina Coladas before he stops thinking that about whoever he sees; it is one of the byproducts of his nerd-childhood. He also thinks that maybe the guy with him, that sort of bulky one, who looks like a bodyguard, might not be out as badly of his league, at least if said bodyguard has enough to drink himself. And he thinks…

But before our Mr. Banner _can_ think anything else, here comes Mr. Stark straight toward him and, “Can I buy you a drink?” he says.

What else to answer, but yes? 

And then some time goes by. First they’re Mr. Stark and Mr. Banner. As in, “Oh, Mr. Banner, I’ve heard about your research in gamma radiation.” And, “No, Mr. Stark, you haven’t,” because hasn’t the army kept that pretty well locked down? And, “Yes Mr. Banner I have,” because Mr. Stark is good at other things besides seduction, and one of those things is finding out classified secrets.

…After a while, they are Bruce and Tony… This, you understand, is after many Pina Coladas for Bruce, many Scotch-and-Amarettos for Tony (because this is the 70’s, nobody had any tastebuds). …They are Bruce and Tony, as in, “Bruce, do you want to head over to my place?” And, “I’d like that Tony…” This, you understand, said while Tony’s already signaling the bartender over, with a Mastercard.

…Bruce and Tony, as in, “Tony, that feels so good,” and, “Bruce, will you… Let me…” “Oh yes, Tony, oh yes.”

Did I mention Bruce likes it vanilla? He likes to be swept off his feet, he likes the illusion of swooning in blissful surrender… The _illusion_ you understand; no matter how many Pina Coladas he’s had, somewhere at the back of his mind the Other Guy is always watching to make sure he stays in control. It’s yes to billionaire lips against his hard, pulsing erection. It’s yes to those same lips covering his, after he orgasms. The taste of himself, in Tony’s mouth? Oh, to that he is very, very yes!

Penetration though? That’s a no. That’s a definite no, and way too close to an attack for the other guy. He’ll let Bruce take Tony in his mouth though… And Tony will like it when he does, he will definitely like it. He’ll let him swallow it all when he cums, let him lick lips at the pleasure, and he will definitely let Bruce kiss Tony a good one afterward.

And as for cuddling in bed after they’re both satisfied? As for Tony’s fingers, in his curls, Tony’s mouth on his shoulderblade, his tongue, tracing the scars all over his body? Another yes, and a sigh. An ecstatic sigh of pure relaxation, and the contentment that comes from the intimacy of this moment, such rare intimacy, in his tired, beleaguered life.

…And when Tony sends him flowers the next day, that’s a yes for the Other Guy too. That is a definite yes; Hulk _likes_ flowers. And he likes the note on the card, that reads, “Pina Coladas are on me, next time you’re in town.” That next date is a yes too, by the way. …Just as soon as he can shake the army off his trail long enough for another visit.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces two semi-super-villains, for our hero to have fun with.

**Natasha and Clint Like a Threesome**

Here is a super-spy and master assassin. Notice the red hair? Well Tony sure notices it, because he walks in, he sees that beautiful woman under a fern, over by one of the stained glass windows in B.J. Blowsalot… He sees that red hair, and right away he thinks about Pepper. It is a guilty thought. See, for the purpose of this story, Pepper is married to Happy. And Tony is his boss, and he’s gotten him nearly killed about a jillion times by now, usually, by having him dress up in the Iron Man suit on occasions where New York City’s favorite superhero, and its favorite billionaire-genius-philanthropist are being invited to the same event. Ah, the perils of having a secret identity; aren’t you glad now, that Nosy Reporter-Lady in IM1 pushed our hero to tell all? Adding insult to injury here, Tony is also responsible for a rather horrible accident… Radiation was involved, I think, or perhaps it was toxic waste. …Something like that, anyway, he is responsible for the terrible accident that turned our Happy into a giant, city-destroying monster, and now whenever he gets too close to death (usually some way that Tony is responsible for) he will occasionally revert to monster-form. Pepper doesn’t like that either.

…Tony has plenty of reason for guilt, in short, and for a while there in the mid-70’s, it seems that he couldn’t see a beautiful redhead, without thinking, “Oh shit, Pepper,” and it was kind of a boner-killer.

It’s a good thing for Natasha that that is what he thought though, because she’s got her own backstory with Mr. Stark, that he might have thought of otherwise. So does that handsome muscle-y guy sitting with her, by the way. The blonde one, who can’t resist purple, even when he’s in civvies? You don’t want to know. Google if you want to find out more about how Natasha tried to rob Stark Enterprises blind, or how Clint helped her, and was so disillusioned when she disappeared on him to go commit more depredations that he ended up turning straight, and that’s how he got a gig with The Avengers. You can read about it if you want to, but you don’t have to, I think I just told you all of it. Right now we’re about halfway through that storyline. 

Curtain opens, and we see Mr. Hawkeye sitting there, feeling very guilty (but not guilty enough to desert his hot redheaded girlfriend, not quite yet anyway). We see Ms. Widow, feeling very very un-guilty, due a heritage in the Soviet Union, where we only feel guilty if Comrade Leader tells us to, and if it’s good for the Motherland as well. The Motherland is always right about these things, and about who you should assassinate, and which billionaire-philanthropists’ tech you should steal. They might not be quite so good in the easy-sex department, but that is all right. It’s all right for the beautiful Comrade-Ladies who get sent overseas to spy on decadent America anyway, where they can have their pick of all the decadent Americans in this so-decadent American fern bar.

Natasha is also having a decadent Tequila Sunrise in this particular decadent fern bar. If any appartchiks come in, she’ll tell them that it’s _red_ , so that makes it a Commie drink. Either that or maybe she’ll switch to a screwdriver (made with _Russian_ vodka of course). Natasha is wearing a very decadent American Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress, the kind where you undo one little tie and the whole thing falls open to reveal your smoking-hot bod (and the exceedingly decadent American underwear you’re wearing underneath). She is smiling at all the decadent American men that go by, but so far none of them have been decadent enough to be worthy of careful attention.

Then in walks one who is definitely worthy of her attention. And she nudges Clint. And our friend Hawkeye looks over.

“Isn’t that Mr. Stark?”

A nod from the beautiful redhead.

And a guilty look from the blond. “You don’t think he’ll recognize us?”

Natasha shakes her head. “You had your disguise on, didn’t you?” It’s common knowledge of course, that no super-villain can ever be recognized when he isn’t wearing his disguise.

And Clint says, “You want me to go over and talk to him?”

Natasha doesn’t. Clint’s unfortunate bad habit is that he is rather fond of cheesy 70’s pickup lines. He probably wants to go over there and say, “Is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them.” Or he’ll say, “I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed Rock,” or something even worse maybe. No, Ms. Widow says she will handle this one, _herself_.

“But you can come along for all the hot action of course, Clint lapochka.”

Clint lapochka settles for what he can get. He watches as Natasha goes over there. Her great strategy is offering Tony a drink; apparently the strategic part is knowing Tony is always up for a drink. …No, wait scratch that, her strategy is knowing that he is always especially up for buying drinks for all the beautiful redheads he meets, and he is also willing to buy them for their handsome (willing) blond ( _willing_ ) stud-escorts.

Tony buys. Drinks are consumed. Also maybe some appetizers. Natasha has a way of licking ranch dressing off fried zucchinis that tells the men at the table she would rather be licking something else off somewhere else. The men at the table, duly informed, suggest maybe it is time for adjourning elsewhere. Natasha agrees.

Tony’s apartment, by the way, has a round King-size waterbed. It has black satin sheets, and mirrors on the ceiling, also a drawer full of …ah, _toys_ , conveniently close to the, er, _play area_. It doesn’t have condoms, this being the 70’s, and nobody having to think about that yet, oh, but there’s lube. There is lots and lots of lube in there. And oh, do our hero and his new semi-super-villain playmates find ways to enjoy using that!

For instance, there is the one where simple 69 is enhanced by an oh-so-creative little _sandwich_ maneuver: Natasha and Clint, with Tony in back of the Widow? Oh, let’s be nice to Iron Man, all right? We’ll let him go in the middle. There’s also the one where Natasha’s tongue goes… Oh, but we don’t need lube for that; the Widow gets everybody nice and moist, right where they need to be.

She has other creative games too… And thus it is found out that Tony yells out Bethany Cabe’s name when he cums. That’s one of his old girlfriends by the way. Another redhead, natch, because Tony’s favorite color holds true for suits and girlfriends. Natasha yells out the name of Comrade Leader (his _Christian_ name, that only she is allowed to use), and Clint yells Trick Shot’s name (Google it). …And thus it is found out that although all three of them are well capable of _going all night_ , Natasha is the only one who can keep going for days at a time (although the others are well willing to try over and over again).

…And when they are finally done and all done, all three of them, Tony offers to take them out for blintzes. That’s what they eat for breakfast in Russia after all, isn’t it?

Natasha says she eats ice water and broken nails, and then Clint says he usually eats Natasha’s pussy. …And then that gets everyone horny all over again, and the whole _happening sex-scene_ starts up right from the beginning, and it ends up lasting through the weekend.

It is very, _very_ good while it lasts (although Natasha maybe shouldn’t have stolen all that secret information on the way out the door …even if Comrade Leader did tell her to).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces a super soldier with a lot of stamina (and with a special guest-cameo by the Winter Soldier).

**Tony Ravages Captain America’s Booty Hole**

How Cap and Tony end up at the fern bar is not like all the other times, no not at all. See, Cap and Tony know each other by the 70’s. They know each other pretty well, and Cap knows Tony’s alter ego, and all that happy horseshit. How they end up together is…

Well, you know how stressful it is to fight an army of Super Skrull? You’ve got to know that, right? Everybody knows that. And if you don’t know that, you can imagine... This is not to say our two powerful superheroes aren’t up to the job. Oh no, not at all, they are _more_ than up to it, especially with all the Avengers, and the West Coast Avengers, and the Fantastic Four, and some other guys as well, all along to help. They get the job done, and it takes all day, and after they’re done, they’re both kind of tired.

So they want to go someplace and get something to eat. And B.J. Blowsalot is just down the block from the Baxter Building (and Tony has _fond memories_ of their fried zucchini, left over from his night with Natasha), so there you are, they go there.

And so right away Cap’s all like, “Hmm, what kind of food do they serve anyway?”

Tony’s like, “You have to try their drinks, Steve. Seriously, for creaminess, and sugariness, as well as for extreme alcoholic content, those things cannot be beat!”

Cap’s like, “I’ll have a beer. American, please.” (This is an unnecessary caveat by the way, since in the 70’s, they had not invented imported beer yet.)

Tony tries once more. He suggests the Pina Coladas, also the Tequila Sunrises, and the Pousse Cafes, and the Willy Wonka Oompa Loompa Delights (okay, I made that last one up), then he gives up and orders some of the fried zucchinis, to go with his own sugary 70’s drink.

Now here’s where normally it would have turned into just their normal visit to a 70’s fern bar. Normally when Cap goes, he is only looking to get his super-rocks off (because his heart will always belong to Peggy), and he is going to choose some Rhoda-clone in a pantsuit… He’s going to choose, I say, some sexually liberated young gal, someone who is shall we say, looking for Mr. Goodbar. Normally they will go home and have mad monkey-sex until dawn, and then that’ll be it, they never see each other again. He is not the kind of guy to have sex with a teammate.

And normally Tony wouldn’t look twice at Cap either, even though he is one hunky chunk of manhood, and our Mr. Stark is usually quite the connoisseur. Tony’s got a little bit of a hero-worship thing going with Cap though, and you don’t fuck your heroes… Well you might, or Tony might, but he’d have to be pretty drunk first.

Tonight is different though. Tonight our guys are restless. And for a change, that thing Tony’s doing with the zucchinis… Where normally Steve would just say, “Stop doing that in my face Tony, I want to check out all the action”? …And the way Cap keeps ordering American beers, over and over again… The way he follows them up with burgers and fries… Even in the 1970’s, this kind of stereotypical behavior is just a leetle bit boring. …Tonight, that shit is the hottest action either of them has ever seen. 

Cap keeps looking over at Tony with the zucchinis, and he’s thinking, “I can think of some other things I’d like him to lick off of some other places.”

Tony keeps looking over at Cap with his burgers, and he’ll think, “I wish he’d chow down on my burger.” He’ll look at him blowing the head off one of those American beers, and… No, I’m not even going to go any further with that one.

So anyway, yeah. Tonight our guys are looking at each other, and let me tell you, those looks are _smoldering_. And after a while… It’s Tony that starts it of course.

Tony looks over at Cap, and he’s like, “Do you want what I want?”

Cap doesn’t waste any time asking what that is, he just says, “Yes.”

And after that, they go back to Tony’s place, and those guys _get it on._ To answer your question, yes, Cap does have super-stamina. He also has a thrust that will not quit. Seriously, that guy could pound you right into the ground if he really let himself go… Later on after they’ve been going at it for a while, Tony goes and modifies a suit so he can do just that. It is, let me add, just as satisfying as he expects it to be. …Also that thing where bullets only bruise him, and he can fall out of airplanes and just sustain a scratch or two out of it? If you’ve wondered whether that means he can do it without lube, he can, and he loves it. He takes it until even Tony gets tired, and then they nap for a while and then they start up again right where they left off.

It’s during this second go-round that another guy shows up. How that happens is there’s a window opened in Tony’s apartment. JARVIS tries a few times to alert Master to the danger, but Master is way too busy to even hear him, and finally he gives up. And in comes this guy… This guy with long dark hair, wearing sexy black leather, and with a very sexy black mask, covering his even sexier five-o’clock shadow. This guy also has a metallic arm, which is also very sexy, in its own way, not to mention what you can do with it. People got pretty creative with _arms_ and _fists_ and stuff, back in the 70’s. Especially if they had Crisco handy, and Tony has a full can.

In comes this guy… This _sexy_ guy. …And he has orders from HYDRA to kill Captain America… Technically speaking, he’s supposed to be killing him sometime 40 years in the future, but at some point Dr. Zola took a break from taking over SHIELD and stuff, and invented a time machine. It’s kind of a fail-safe, you know: Give the Winter Soldier lots and lots of chances to take out his victim. …So anyway, in comes everyone’s favorite leather-clad anti-hero, into Tony’s apartment… And of course he knows right away which room our heroes are in (the grunts and ecstatic moans are what gives it away), and so in he goes, knife and guns at ready.

But here’s where brainwashing can only do so much, see: Because HYDRA spent all that time working on the brain in Bucky’s head, but they never did anything about his _little brain_. And that guy hasn’t had any in a lot of years. Believe me, desperate, is putting it mildly, for James Buchanan Barnes.

Let me tell you, that guy is on the bed, like white on rice! And he is _all over_ Tony and Cap (but especially he is all over Cap, because, you know, deep down there is still a bond). And his weapons? His dark, sinister purpose, that he was sent there to accomplish? They are as forgotten as yesterday’s newspaper. He is, like, totally about nothing but the hot, hot Bucky-and-Tony action, and the even hotter Bucky-and-Cap ditto, and he doesn’t get back to what he was supposed to be doing until…

Aww hell, he never gets back to it, and about a week later he leaves the apartment with a big smile sort of permanently tattooed on his face (but, you know, hidden by his mask and stuff). And he ends up going back to the 21st century, and then Dr. Zola has to emit lots of German curse-words, because he was hoping he could get the whole thing done easy-peasy in the past, and not risk anyone finding out about his nifty little computer hidey-hole in the bunker, or derailing his plot to take over America or any of that.

And meanwhile, Tony rolls over in bed and looks at Cap (he is also wearing a huge, indelible smile by the way). “Who was that masked man?” he says.

And then JARVIS, being JARVIS, gives them both a full biography, which would of course totally derail the plot for the 2014 Marvel/Disney movie, except that this happened in the 70’s, and nobody remembers the 70’s. As they say about Woodstock, if you can remember it, you probably weren’t there.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces comics-canon Nick Fury, and movie-canon same, each with his separate, _very different_ agenda. Our hero, shall we say, reacts to each of them differently.

**Tony Stark is a Classic Bottom**

Here is a muscle-y white guy, and he is looking _mean_ at our hero, Mr. Tony Stark. And our hero Mr. Stark is looking back, just as mean, at him. These two guys don’t trust each other, and it kind of sticks out all over them. And they are meeting at Featherington-Vandergelder, which is a phenomenally expensive steakhouse in Upper Manhattan. There is no way our hero would take this guy to B.J. Blowsalot. B.J. Blowsalot is for fun; this place is where you take people for _business_.

Our hero Tony is having a dry martini, which is a very business-y kind of a drink. The other guy is having… Oh, never mind what he is having. He’s having something badass, okay? Because this is Nick Fury, and he is a very badass kind of a guy. If you didn’t recognize him, that’s probably because you’re used to the movies, where he is played by Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson could out-badass this guy any old day of the week, just by showing up, but that doesn’t stop 70’s-Nick from trying.

Our hero doesn’t trust Nick Fury, because he operates outside the law. The irony of this, coming from the world’s showiest vigilante, really does escape him, by the way, but only because of the copious amounts of alcoholic beverages he is always drinking.

Nick also doesn’t trust Tony. This is because at some point during the Vietnam War, Tony pussied out on him (Nick’s words), and stopped providing weaponry to SHIELD. Nick is of course very sure that SHIELD has everyone’s best interests at the very front of their minds, and that shadowy cabal of 12 faceless people who lead it? They are quite obviously the moral equivalent of his old WWII fighting buddies the Howling Commandoes, and probably the only thing holding the line and stopping a complete takeover by HYDRA. Lucky 70’s-Nick! The takeover of SHIELD by Life Model Decoy and the Deltites (Look it up) is still years in the future. Likewise the time when Norm Osborn gets control. And as for the HYDRA infiltration? That one’s not even a gleam in Marvel/Disney’s eye… Hell, taking over Marvel isn’t even a gleam in Disney’s eye yet. Disney’s still struggling with the difficulties of not being able to revive Walt’s cryogenically preserved head, and trying to make movies that don’t suck quite as hard as _Robin Hood_ and _Escape to Witch Mountain._

Anyway, to get back to the story, Tony doesn’t trust Nick, and Nick doesn’t trust Tony. You wouldn’t even think they’d want to get together, but not trusting each other seems to be the basis for a lot of superhero alliances, doesn’t it? They are getting together anyway, and Tony has a very businesslike steak and a baked potato, and Nick does the same (but only because there isn’t anything more badass on the menu). And they do what they came for, and they part, cordial words poorly masking the suspicions lurking underneath the surface, and both of them shaking hands like they can’t wait to inspect their hands afterward, to see what the other guy did to them.

And Tony walks away, thinking, “Well, that was a wasted afternoon.” (Nick, meanwhile, is walking away, thinking, “At least he hasn’t found out about all the _pirated copies_ of his stuff we’re using,” but we won’t worry about that, and neither is Tony going to worry about it for another couple decades’ worth of comic book canon.) Tony thinks that the only thing that would really wipe the taste out of his mouth from that unpleasant encounter would be picking up someone sexy at a fern bar, and he knows that Mrs. Arbogast (AKA his 70’s-era secretary) is sure to have things well in hand over at Stark Enterprises, and so off he goes at once to B.J. Blowsalot.

And there he meets someone else. This someone else is a tallish black man, exuding the powerful badassery that can only come from being played by Samuel L. Jackson. This guy’s eyepatch and all-over black leather-look already have half the bar thinking pervy bondage-thoughts about him. Now they’ve got Tony thinking the same thing, which is a shame, because all _this_ Nick Fury is thinking is, “Aww, fuck, the readings said the Winter Soldier would be here.”

The Winter Soldier was there briefly, by the way. He stopped by for a post-coital hamburger and beer earlier, before going back in the time machine. This in itself, is a sign of how much Steve had re-Buckyfied him, since his training from HYDRA had taught him to eat nothing but cold water and broken nails. By the time Nick got there, he was long gone however.

…To get back to our story, in comes Tony Stark, with coitus on his mind. There sits movie-Nick, who is easily the hottest guy in there, and isn’t that shaved head of his a refreshing change from all the long hair and disco-‘fros everyone else is wearing? Tony thinks so (and so do an awful lot of other people), and right away he goes over there, and he says, “Hi, can I buy you a drink?”

Movie-Nick says, “Isn’t there anybody around here that can help me track down a wanted criminal?”

To which our Tony, forcing down sexual frustration as he speaks, replies, “I might be able to help.” They repair at once to Stark Enterprises, where he uses his own equipment to find the information movie-Nick requires: The Winter Soldier is gone. He’s back in his own time now, busily trying to kill Captain America like before.

At this point, movie-Nick says, “Well, you’d better take me back to my time machine now,” and then Tony says that since he’s going by time machine anyway, does it matter if he stays a little while first? He can after all, Tony points out, program the time machine to take him back to whenever, such as he could stay and have a drink or two, and maybe do some relaxing, and then appear back fresh and ready to work a minute or so after he left, so why not have some fun first?

It occurs to movie-Nick that Tony Stark is Tony Stark, in this time or in any time, but on the other hand, he can’t see any flaws in the logic, and besides, a beer or two might come in handy, not to mention a little relaxing. Movie-Nick says, “You’ve got a point there, Stark,” and Tony says, “Don’t I always?” and then they repair immediately to the _love nest_ in penthouse, which is of course there, because since when was Tony Stark ever not ready for some hot action, whenever and wherever he had the opportunity?

Movie-Nick _likes_ it when Tony points out the hot bondage-implications of all that black leather he is wearing. They give him ideas of his own. He has, of course, hair-trigger reflexes, and nerves of iron. You saw _The Winter Soldier_ , right? You know how he can look death in the eye and mow down bad guys by the dozen, and his nerve never shakes and he always knows just what to say? Let’s just say he’s like that in the bedroom too, and Tony emerges from that encounter feeling _schooled_.

Yeah, our Tony feels schooled as fuck, also very, very relaxed, and pleasantly tingling all over, from various little things that… Well, they hurt, but it’s in a _good_ way, or they lead to things that are good you know, they are very, very good. Everybody likes to be dominated sometimes, and come on: Who’s ever looked at Iron Man and not thought, “There goes one of your classic _bottoms_ ”?

Tony leans back against the pillows and sighs… This is after various straps have been removed, of course, and various hurty things have been un-tightened. …He leans back, I say, and he sighs, and he looks at movie-Nick. “You should stay,” he says. “You’d be an improvement over the Nick Fury we’ve got.”

Movie-Nick looks back at him and smiles. “No I wouldn’t.” There are other things he could say, various references to Whiplash, and the Initiative, and Rhodey stealing the suit after a huge drunken party, and then Agent Coulson having to come in and mop up all the damage, but why bother? Why get Stark’s knickers all in a twist, 30 years too early?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduces a God of Thunder... And then in comes another God, to have lots of fun with our hero, _and_ with his brother.

**”Strap-On in Your Booty Hole, Bro,” Goes Loki**

See that blond guy over there, the one with the big, big muscles and the even bigger smile? The proper thing to do is to say, “Hi, Dr. Donald Blake,” because he is incognito at the moment. And then you don‘t want to follow up by talking to him about your health problems, because he _can’t_ send you to the Asgardian healers, dammit, don’t you think he’s _tried_?!? He did that once, maybe twice… After that Heimdall tattled to Odin, who put the kibosh on it. He said it was “Wanton Bifrost misuse,” and a lot of stuff like that, and he also said some stuff about “These mortals being like goats, and they’re all right in their place, but stop letting them in the house, Thor,” and this and that. Really, it was terrible. Jesus you guys, stop bugging him already, will you? Just let the poor guy alone, after all, he’s only human.

…Okay, scratch that, maybe he’s not. Anyway though, here he is incognito at B.J. Blowsalot. And if you’re wondering why he didn’t show up in his Thor regalia, that’s because the management complained. Seriously, you try being a popular 70’s fern bar, you know, attracting the clientele and all that, and then some muscle-y blond shows up and says, “Hi, I’m Thor, want to play with my hammer?” _You_ try getting the homely guys in there after that. Just try, I dare you.

…A-aaanyway… As I was saying, here is our friend, “Dr. Donald Blake”… Here he is at B.J. Blowsalot, blowing off some steam after a very busy day spent pounding Doom-bots into the middle of next week with the other Avengers. And over there across the way, there’s Tony Stark, who is also incognito (if you can ever say that about billionaire-playboy-philanthropists). Dr. Blake and Mr. Stark don’t “know” each other, and even if they did they wouldn’t sit together, because the management complained the one time they did that (because that also verged too far into “irresistible chick-magnet” territory).

…So Thor’s there, Tony’s there. And they’re both doing all right in the chick-attracting game. They’ve had their offers, and they’ve made a few, and probably both of them would have left with someone and never thought twice about what the other one was doing, but then this happened:

Because in walks the most mind-bogglingly gorgeous dark-haired woman you ever saw in your life. And she’s wearing a slinky green dress, and she’s got some kind of a little fur-thing around her neck, and she’s got this kind of a modified little crownie-doodad, with two sticky-outy, horn-things in front, holding back her long black hair.

And right away this lady walks over to Tony… And right away across the room, Thor’s eyes bug out of their sockets. …And beautiful crownie-girl says, “Hi, Mr. Stark, buy a girl a drink?” (And all the lovely ladies who had been getting our Mr. Odinson’s undivided attention, start getting his divided attention for a change, and they are _not_ happy about it, let me tell you.) And meanwhile across the room, Tony is going, “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?” And Miss Beautiful is replying, “Probably, but would you care?” And Tony’s saying, “No, probably not.” (And back at his own table Thor’s muttering “ _Loki_ , through gritted teeth, and he’s casting dark looks toward the other table.)

And of course what happens next is that Tony and Loki leave the bar together. Back at his own table, Thor goes, “Forsooth, fair maidens, I fear I must depart from hence sooner, rather than later.” And the disco-babes at his table go, “Aww, Donald baby,” and, “But Donnie, you said we would party hearty all night long,” etcetera etcetera. And then he jumps up from the table… He’s in such a hurry that he tosses an Asgardian gold piece down for a tip instead of the Susan B. Anthony dollar he was intending to leave. …Yeah, our Thor is up and out of there. Problem is, by the time he gets out to the street, Tony and Loki are already gone.

Of course they’re going back to Tony’s apartment, right? And the least Thor can do as a devoted Friend of Midgard, is to rush right over there in time to stop his brother from doing something bad to ol’ Shellhead, the Golden Avenger. Only here’s the problem see, is that _Thor_ could just whip out Mjolnir and be over in a flash. _Donald Blake’s_ got to take a taxi.

And meanwhile all that time at the apartment? You guessed it, Loki is up to his old tricks. And first it’s, “Oh, Mr. Stark, you live in this _nice_ apartment?” And then it’s, “Oh, Mr. Stark, do you want me in this big, big bed?” And, “Oh, Mr. Stark, what do you want to do with that _big, big organ_?” But then all of a sudden it’s, “Oh, Miss... What was your name again? …Miss Uhhh, Errr, Umm, what the hell were you planning on doing with _that_???” It’s, “That thing straps on _there_? I thought it was a crown.” And, “It gets _that big_? Oh Jesus Christ lady, I don’t think I am that big!!!”

(He is that big, by the way.)

Thor gets there… Fortunately there’s no one in the hallway, so instead of knocking, he just whips out the old hammer and lets go. Wham-oh, there goes the door, it’s in 147 pieces now, and in goes Thor, into the apartment. And, “Tony?” he yells. “Tony!”

From somewhere at the very back of the apartment there comes a faint moan. A moment later there comes a voice, “Thor, is that you? You get the hell out of here!”

_Loki!!!_

Thor hightails it down the hall in record time. He slams open the bedroom door and rushes right in there, and then once there, he steps back again, aghast.

And then he says, “Brother, thou art buggering my friend’s fundament with thy…”

And Loki, looking back for a moment from what he’s doing, goes, “Uh-huh!”

And Thor goes, “Oh, b-b-brother…” And, “W-w-with… With thy _crown_?” And then he goes, “Brother, you know that is not why Father gave you that…”

And Loki goes, “This thing has two horns on it for a _reason_ , Thor.” And he goes, “Bet you want a piece of Loki!” And then he proceeds to give his brother a piece, and to show him just exactly _why_ his crown has two horns.

If you’re wondering by the way, both of our heroes ended up liking the depredations of the self-styled “God of Chaos.”

“Chaos…” This is Thor, you understand, musing, long after the events. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, friend Tony, why wouldst my brother choose such a name? We used to call him, ‘God of Mischief’… Mischief, I can understand, but _Chaos_?”

And Tony shrugs (you know, one of those well-fucked-and-resting-afterwards kind of shrugs). ‘Could be worse,” he says. “He could have called himself ‘Reindeer Games,’ or ‘Rock of Ages,’ or something.”

And after that they both shrug in unison, and they get up and go have some shwarma (which is of course the very best post-coital snack for people who have just been buggered by the God of ~~Chaos~~ Mischief).


End file.
